I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
