Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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