I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
