we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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