I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
