got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
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Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
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Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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