i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
