Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Randomize
