he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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