I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize
