I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
