i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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