Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
