I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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