I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
