True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
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