you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Randomize
