I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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