I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
We were destined to go to rehab together
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
