You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
