Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
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Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
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My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
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