im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Can vaginas get frostbite?
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
