Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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