Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Randomize
