So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
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