If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
