I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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