We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
