how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
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My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
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hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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