she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
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