I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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