I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize