She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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