Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
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I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
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Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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