it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
What?
..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.
Details.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
