fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Randomize
