she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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