Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
