i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
