Only a mothe r could love this liver
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
