I'm pants shitting drunk right now
My sheets look like a crime scene.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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