Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
