the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
