I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
