When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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