If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
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