Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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