I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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