in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
