Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
