Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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