i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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