The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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