you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
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