I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
