as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
