I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
