Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
