Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Randomize
