your thong is hanging out like whoa
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Randomize
