You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
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